By: Hazel Bridges
Chief Wellness Coach for Seniors
hazel.bridges@agingwellness.org  

AgingWellness.org

Losing your spouse is one of the most excruciating experiences you will ever endure.  You may no longer feel you are a whole being, and your grief can be tangibly painful.  Your world may feel familiar and yet completely shaken, even if you are confident your loved one is with the Lord.

Grief is a part of your healing process.  We grieve to grasp the loss and to be able to move forward.  Everyone grieves differently, and you shouldn’t feel you are on a schedule or that you have a spiritual flaw for going at your own pace.  In Matthew 5:4, we are told that those who mourn are blessed and will be comforted.  Trust that it’s part of God’s plan for you to grieve.  In time, your pain will ease.

As Focus on the Family points out, there are four key phases of grieving.  First you will accept the loss, as feelings of denial are natural.  You may find the services and burial celebrating your loved one’s life helpful in this piece of the process.  Talking with friends and family members and remembering your spouse can also help in this step.  Experiencing the pain is another aspect of the journey, and avoidance is an obstacle that makes it tough to navigate.  While we may instinctively want to seek shortcuts around feeling the loss, we can’t move forward until we deal with the pain.  The third aspect is adjusting to life without your loved one.  It will involve you assuming roles your loved one filled.  For instance you maybe never balanced a checkbook before, or handled the car repairs.  Lastly, you will find you can reinvest in other people.  The energy you focused on your loved one can be used toward others, and this doesn’t mean you are disloyal, nor does it necessarily mean you’ll remarry or seek romantic relationships.  It means you heal enough that you can remember your loved one without heart wrenching pain, and that you can engage in friendships and family functions without feeling guilty about enjoying yourself.

Losing a spouse is a major cause of mental health concerns.  Psychology Today explains that some seniors can experience depression, stress, and a reduced life expectancy.  Make sure you take care of yourself while you are grieving.  Some studies show that engaging in exercise is a natural mood enhancer and can help reduce stress and fight depression.  It’s also vital to ensure you get proper nutrition so your own health doesn’t decline.  Some experts warn against a desire to self-medicate during grief.  If you find yourself turning to drugs or alcohol to ease your pain, reach out for help.

Throughout your grief, allow family members, friends, pastors, and church family to support you.  You’re rebuilding your life, but you don’t need to do it alone.  You might benefit from a grief-loss support group or Bible study.  Many seniors engage with an online wellness course to help them through their loss.  It’s a way to connect.  You can receive comfort and assistance from home.

Remember to spend time in prayer and seek His guidance throughout this time.  Isaiah 43:2 tells us He will be with us as we pass through the waters, and rivers will not overflow us, we will walk through fire and not be burned.  Even in the worst of your pain, God is with you and will sustain you from within.

There is another side to your loss, and in time your pain will ease.  Don’t rush yourself through the process, and allow your support network to help.  God will never leave you, even through this difficult journey. ​

He says, with squinty eye, "this is just what happens when...".  When flesh tears, hope falls, heart strains to breathe deep strength from above.  The question is not, "Can I get back up again?".  The question is, "How long will it take me to get back up again?"...again to fight, again to grit teeth, jaw locked look again in its face and say; "You will not rob me."  You will not rob me of life to the full, of joy.  The joy that flows from His heart, His love, His countless gifts...sweet soft baby's kiss, velvet red rose bathed in light,  true loves infilling embrace, soul-lifting words...Truth.  Truth sees beyond the veil of this natural life. Truth removes the bitter, self-righteous, pride-filled, ungrateful prism filter.  Truth frees us to see and to say, soul-flayed raw, "It is well."Copyright ©2017 by Ronilynn Brissey-Ramos

Question: Can one take that which is unclean/impure and make it clean/pure?
Answer: We can’t, but God can.
This question has been rolling around in my head for the last few weeks.  I often ponder (probably more than the average person) questions, concepts, ideas, and dilemmas until I can get clarity from God by the Holy Spirit revealing wisdom through His word, spirit-to-spirit revelation, a teaching, a conversation with another, etc.  God speaks to us in many ways, and I have learned over the years to be sensitive to His divine timing and placement of people, conversations, and words of Truth at just the moment I need them.  His promise is true. When we seek Him and His wisdom; we will always find it.  Seeking is active, and I believe that He honors our efforts to know Him more and to know His will in all things.  He isn’t hiding Himself or His Truth from us.  Isn’t that so comforting?

This question came to me after some recent experiences in which I was forced to face the predominantly secular, carnal and even profane use of a dance pole.  In my pole journey which has involved countless hours of training (especially in the teaching certification process), I have gone out of my way to avoid environments and situations that I felt were not honoring to God.  This conviction was the catalyst for me to found Dancing Queen in 2007.   I felt called to create a wholesome, sacred space for like-minded Christian wives to come together in a unique sisterhood, to be encouraged and empowered.  The harsh reality is that the pole dance world is derived from and thrives on a God-less perspective.  

I recently chose to remove myself from a training program that I had previously convinced myself that I needed.  (Sidenote: The reality is that our husband's do not care if we can do Cirque-du-Soleil level tricks on the pole.)  It began innocently enough but sadly, it quickly morphed into a much-degraded environment.   The Holy Spirit said to me, "What are you doing here? You don't belong here."  So I chose to remove myself and have committed to resume my training in a solo fashion trusting, nay knowing that God will honor and bless my obedience.  Herein does lie the great challenge; to be competent, and proficient without being exposed to or dragged down by the often deadly ends to which this path (like many in this world) can lead.

After I had made the decision to remove myself from said training program, I continued to ponder and pray on the matter.  The Holy Spirit spoke softly, yet clearly to me; "Can one take that which is unclean and make it clean?".  I love it when He asks me questions because it fires up my passion for digging into His word and excavating the answers, His Truth.  Somehow I think He knows that will be the outcome, don't you?  (smile)

I discovered the following:

• The topic of sanctification is spoken of 142 times in scripture.  
• We are called to a continual state of sanctification in Christ through the work of the Holy Spirit, but what about things?  Can they be sanctified?
• Sanctify (verb) set apart as or declare holy; consecrate for God, His purposes, and His glory.  
• When studying the Doctrine of Sanctification I came across the Greek (Hagiasmos) translation; consecration; a separation unto God from a profane, secular, and carnal use to a sacred, religious, and spiritual use.  
• In scripture, God is spoken of as sanctifying persons, material things, and immaterial things.  

Man has as much to do with the sanctification process as God because we must exercise our God-given free will and decide to choose to sanctify ourselves, our marriages, families, careers, hobbies, etc. to God.  Man and God are in a "sanctification partnership" if you will.  
​
All of this leads me to the following conclusion; a dance pole and the activity of pole dancing can be sanctified only if we choose to separate it unto God for the sacred purpose of infilling our marriages with love.  We must submit ourselves and the activity to the moral laws of God.  We must continually ask ourselves, and more importantly, ask our Father in heaven; "Does this line up with the scriptural and moral principles that I am called to fulfill?" "Is this blessing (making better/ stronger) me, my husband, and my marriage?"  If ever the answer to these questions are "no," we must lay it down.
Bottom line: In it's most sensual, feminine bodily expression (naked and various states thereof) pole dancing must be kept within the sacred, sanctified bond of marriage.  It is, after all, intended to be loving foreplay.  To quote my dear faithful and true sister-in-Christ, "That is for the marriage bedroom only."

PS: As always, my choice to be separate and obey my personal convictions is in no way an exacting of personal judgment/s upon any person/s.   I choose to love all and extend grace to all.  
"And this righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no distinction, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by His grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus.…" (Romans 3:22-24)  
But for the grace of God, there go I.

Copyright ©2017 by Ronilynn Brissey-Ramos

I remember one of the first times I felt rejected.
One sunny day in the suburbs of Georgia, a young girl, age 11, playing flag football with the boys in the street. I was the kid that wanted to be included in on everything. There was no boys or girls club in my mind. We were one unit. An amazing little community of friends we had growing up and chasing adventures together. 

This particular day I was on cloud nine. Creaming the boys touchdown after touchdown. Laughing, celebrating, WINNING.  Most of them were celebrating with me, except for Tommy.  He turned towards me and yelled down the street, “who cares sierra mountains!!! thunder thighs!” All the other little boys laughed and whispered as I stood there clueless.  You see, I started developing as a woman younger than most of the other little girls. At age 11, I had what the boys were calling “sierra mountains and thunder thighs.”  When I finally realized why they were all laughing I ran home crying, and after that, my relationships with them were never the same, and what I believed about myself wasn’t either. 

Shamed.
Rejected.
Outcast. 
Instead of belonging, I now believed I was unacceptable.

Many of us have similar stories to tell, and when we look back at these incidents we see that, the tragedy is often not as much the hurt itself, but the places of ourselves that die because of our response.   We see that they have shaped and defined what we believe about ourselves and how we interact with community. Once approaching people with open arms, we have now built walls of self protection. We shy away from even small semblances of hurt, and shut ourselves off from others slowly but surely. We isolate because we want to avoid the pain, and begin dreaming about the perfect community.  
But what if pain is one of the tools that God uses to reveal His perfect communion with us?
…”And in Him you have been made complete.” (Colossians 2:10)

We find that much of our pain is caused by the unrealistic expectations we have placed on people to love us perfectly and fulfill our longing for significance, value or worth.  But, only God has the power to define these things for us. He created us to be each other’s companion, not completion.  (Genesis 2:18) 

He says that:
We are not incomplete. We are  “wonderfully and fearfully made.” (Psalm 139:14)
We are not insignificant. We are “God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” (Ephesians 2:10)

Drawing our significance and worth from God frees us up to truly LOVE one another despite our imperfections.  Now our response can change. We can choose to stay connected instead of isolated.

Staying connected means embracing forgiveness, extending grace and reminding ourselves and each other of our true identity as precious, loved children of God. 

At age 11, Im sure I didn't know how to handle the hurt that day, nor did I have a relationship with God to draw my true value and purpose from. But, today I can look back and learn from that story and the many others, to change how I see and respond to hurt in relationships.  I am learning to receive my true value and purpose from the word of God and find perfect communion with Him, so that I freely give love and grace to others. For when we truly receive the abundance of love, significance, and grace Christ has for us, we are also able to freely give it, and in that we find that our relationships on earth are truly satisfying.  For from his fullness we have all received, grace upon grace. John 1:16 
Freely you have received; freely give. Matthew 10:8

WE ARE by Ronilynn Brissey-Ramos

WE ARE Reconciled
ONE with Him
Secure
Authentic
Humble
PURE
Beautiful
Generous
Truthful
Honorable
LOVE
Selfless
Peaceful
Tender
Purposeful
Faithful
Hopeful
Brave
Strong 
Determined
Resilient
Victorious
WE ARE HIS WARRIOR QUEENS.

Radical: adjective 1. relating to or affecting the fundamental nature of something; far-reaching or thorough.
Love: noun 1. an intense feeling of deep affection.

Matthew 6:24 & 25 "Then Jesus said to His disciples, If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it."
I was recently asked, "To what extent should I go to show love to my extremely difficult family member?"  My answer was, "To the greatest extent you possibly can. Your love should be radical. That's what we are called to as Christians."  Easier said than done, right?  Loving others can be very messy, painful and nearly impossible at times, but it can also be rewarding, wonderful and uplifting.  It's easy to buy into love when it's the latter of those sentiments, but there are two sides to every coin.   I have felt the dark side of love in relationships, marriage, and parenting.  Haven't we all?  There is always light in the darkness and hope in the face of hopelessness with God, though. He works all things for our good when we are faithful and seek Him with our whole heart.   I have witnessed God transform the most hopeless, dead and dysfunctional situations into beacons of hope, works of beauty and shining examples of His grace and love. 

In Matthew 25: 31-46 Jesus shares a parable with us, and we are invited to look inward to apply it.  This parable speaks to what we are called to do as followers of Christ so that we might receive our eternal reward.  How many of us can say that we have fed the hungry, given the thirsty a drink, invited a stranger in, clothed one in need, visited the sick or imprisoned?  When we do these things, Jesus says that we do them unto Him.  Have you ever noticed that it's often much easier to love a stranger than it is to love your own family?  Why is that?  The very nature of the relationship makes it easier because we don't know all of their "stuff," their baggage and flaws.  They haven't wounded us, rejected us or neglected us.  It's a clean slate.  

Did you know that we are called to love others (including our family) even when they feel like our enemies?  Matthew 5:43 -46 “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy. But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get?"  Wow.  That's a pretty high standard, isn't it?  But, no one ever said that being a Christian was easy.  However, it has been said that "great things are worth fighting for."  

I believe that we are called to radical love in every arena of our lives and that we must fight for it.  I believe that our marriages and families are where radical love can be demonstrated most because that is where we are tested the most.  Radical love is a love that will choose to die to self no matter what.  It's a love that puts others first.  It doesn't mean that we get to pick and choose when we will die to self.  It's not, "I will die to myself as soon as my husband dies to himself!"  It's not waiting for my needs to be met before I choose to meet the needs of another.  It's not choosing to pray for another as soon as they start praying for me.  It's not serving another under the condition that I'm shown appreciation.  It's not (fill in the blank). We all have something/s, right?  Where do you feel like God is asking you to be more radical in your love?  In what relationship/s do you hear Him asking you to die to self?  

We have a promise in scripture that we can take hold of as we attempt to meet the challenges set before us:  Philippians 4:19 "But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus."  We must first look to Christ for our needs to be met and for our hearts to be filled with His love.  Only then are we able to fulfill what Jesus calls us to; to give without conditions, expectation, demands, limits… to love radically.

Radical Love is a selfless adventure in trust.  Radical love is delayed gratification.  Radical love is giving with no expectation of getting.  Radical love is knowing what really matters in this life. Radical love is everything.  May we be radical.