Mother's Day can be a time of joy and cheer for families, but for many older moms, the day can be emotional and painful as well. Depression and stress are common challenges that many women face and no matter how old they are or how old their children are, they often neglect self care. Whether an older mom has grandchildren or not, they deserve to be recognized and pampered on this special day so they can take a breather from everyday stressors and focus on their mental health.

The stress of parenthood lasts beyond the childhood years
Being a mother has many joyful moments, but it is stressful too. The stress of parenthood continues even after children have grown, as moms never stop worrying about their kids and having adult children or grandchildren brings its own set of concerns. Adult children may be making decisions that are difficult to understand, or may be dealing with addiction issues or mental illness, and it can be hard for older moms to know how to navigate these issues.

CNN details that the struggles that adult children face, whether it be related to financial worries, divorce, addiction, or other challenges, can cause significant distress for the parents too. As children transition into adulthood, relationships with parents shift in many ways and a new adult's quest for independence can mean that an older parent is facing decreased interaction or communication with their child, and any of these stressors can lead to depression or other mental health issues.

Focus on meaningful gift ideas for Mother's Day
What do older moms really want for Mother's Day? Project Legacy shares that for many moms, getting something that shows a connection to the relationship with their child is quite meaningful. For example, time spent with an older parent that comes genuinely, rather than out of a sense of obligation, creates lasting memories. The gift of time together, whether just the adult child and mom or with grandchildren if they are part of the family too, may be one of the best possible Mother's Day gifts.

Giving your mom a true day off from all of her responsibilities is another great gift, and if you want to give a tangible gift, think of ways to leave a lasting impression. For example, you can give a book or a journal in place of a card or create a memory jar in place of flowers, candy, or perfume. Take old family photos or videos and digitize them so they are safe and easy to view, suggests Love to Know, or create a photo bouquet rather than a bouquet of flowers.

Gifts that continue beyond the holiday can make a big impact
You may also look into purchasing a treat-of-the-month type of membership, so your mom can know you are thinking of her all year long. Other gift ideas for Mother's Day could involve setting up a photo shoot for the entire extended family together, or set up recurring help in the home by arranging for cleaning, cooking, or in-home care. You could also prepare some freezer meals for her, or if she still likes to cook, consider setting up several orders from a meal kit delivery service.

If there are grandchildren in the family, one of the most meaningful gifts you can give your older mom is something handmade from a grandchild. Hand-drawn pictures or cards are great, or you can step it up a notch and go with some of the ideas Babble shares such as creating handprint stepping stones, aprons, decorated flower pots, or coupon books that ensure there is more time together ahead.

No matter how busy your life is on a day-to-day basis, take a step back when Mother's Day comes to consider how you can honor your older mom and make her feel special. Even once kids are grown, the stress of parenthood often remains, and it is important to help your mother find ways to take care of herself and get a mental health break when stressors in life become overwhelming. Focus on meaningful gifts that show a personal connection and think beyond the stereotypical store-bought items that may end up cast aside.
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[Image via Pixabay]

By: Hazel Bridges
Chief Wellness Coach for Seniors
hazel.bridges@agingwellness.org  

AgingWellness.org

Losing your spouse is one of the most excruciating experiences you will ever endure.  You may no longer feel you are a whole being, and your grief can be tangibly painful.  Your world may feel familiar and yet completely shaken, even if you are confident your loved one is with the Lord.

Grief is a part of your healing process.  We grieve to grasp the loss and to be able to move forward.  Everyone grieves differently, and you shouldn’t feel you are on a schedule or that you have a spiritual flaw for going at your own pace.  In Matthew 5:4, we are told that those who mourn are blessed and will be comforted.  Trust that it’s part of God’s plan for you to grieve.  In time, your pain will ease.

As Focus on the Family points out, there are four key phases of grieving.  First you will accept the loss, as feelings of denial are natural.  You may find the services and burial celebrating your loved one’s life helpful in this piece of the process.  Talking with friends and family members and remembering your spouse can also help in this step.  Experiencing the pain is another aspect of the journey, and avoidance is an obstacle that makes it tough to navigate.  While we may instinctively want to seek shortcuts around feeling the loss, we can’t move forward until we deal with the pain.  The third aspect is adjusting to life without your loved one.  It will involve you assuming roles your loved one filled.  For instance you maybe never balanced a checkbook before, or handled the car repairs.  Lastly, you will find you can reinvest in other people.  The energy you focused on your loved one can be used toward others, and this doesn’t mean you are disloyal, nor does it necessarily mean you’ll remarry or seek romantic relationships.  It means you heal enough that you can remember your loved one without heart wrenching pain, and that you can engage in friendships and family functions without feeling guilty about enjoying yourself.

Losing a spouse is a major cause of mental health concerns.  Psychology Today explains that some seniors can experience depression, stress, and a reduced life expectancy.  Make sure you take care of yourself while you are grieving.  Some studies show that engaging in exercise is a natural mood enhancer and can help reduce stress and fight depression.  It’s also vital to ensure you get proper nutrition so your own health doesn’t decline.  Some experts warn against a desire to self-medicate during grief.  If you find yourself turning to drugs or alcohol to ease your pain, reach out for help.

Throughout your grief, allow family members, friends, pastors, and church family to support you.  You’re rebuilding your life, but you don’t need to do it alone.  You might benefit from a grief-loss support group or Bible study.  Many seniors engage with an online wellness course to help them through their loss.  It’s a way to connect.  You can receive comfort and assistance from home.

Remember to spend time in prayer and seek His guidance throughout this time.  Isaiah 43:2 tells us He will be with us as we pass through the waters, and rivers will not overflow us, we will walk through fire and not be burned.  Even in the worst of your pain, God is with you and will sustain you from within.

There is another side to your loss, and in time your pain will ease.  Don’t rush yourself through the process, and allow your support network to help.  God will never leave you, even through this difficult journey. ​

He says, with squinty eye, "this is just what happens when...".  When flesh tears, hope falls, heart strains to breathe deep strength from above.  The question is not, "Can I get back up again?".  The question is, "How long will it take me to get back up again?"...again to fight, again to grit teeth, jaw locked look again in its face and say; "You will not rob me."  You will not rob me of life to the full, of joy.  The joy that flows from His heart, His love, His countless gifts...sweet soft baby's kiss, velvet red rose bathed in light,  true loves infilling embrace, soul-lifting words...Truth.  Truth sees beyond the veil of this natural life. Truth removes the bitter, self-righteous, pride-filled, ungrateful prism filter.  Truth frees us to see and to say, soul-flayed raw, "It is well."Copyright ©2017 by Ronilynn Brissey-Ramos

Question: Can one take that which is unclean/impure and make it clean/pure?
Answer: We can’t, but God can.
This question has been rolling around in my head for the last few weeks.  I often ponder (probably more than the average person) questions, concepts, ideas, and dilemmas until I can get clarity from God by the Holy Spirit revealing wisdom through His word, spirit-to-spirit revelation, a teaching, a conversation with another, etc.  God speaks to us in many ways, and I have learned over the years to be sensitive to His divine timing and placement of people, conversations, and words of Truth at just the moment I need them.  His promise is true. When we seek Him and His wisdom; we will always find it.  Seeking is active, and I believe that He honors our efforts to know Him more and to know His will in all things.  He isn’t hiding Himself or His Truth from us.  Isn’t that so comforting?

This question came to me after some recent experiences in which I was forced to face the predominantly secular, carnal and even profane use of a dance pole.  In my pole journey which has involved countless hours of training (especially in the teaching certification process), I have gone out of my way to avoid environments and situations that I felt were not honoring to God.  This conviction was the catalyst for me to found Dancing Queen in 2007.   I felt called to create a wholesome, sacred space for like-minded Christian wives to come together in a unique sisterhood, to be encouraged and empowered.  The harsh reality is that the pole dance world is derived from and thrives on a God-less perspective.  

I recently chose to remove myself from a training program that I had previously convinced myself that I needed.  (Sidenote: The reality is that our husband's do not care if we can do Cirque-du-Soleil level tricks on the pole.)  It began innocently enough but sadly, it quickly morphed into a much-degraded environment.   The Holy Spirit said to me, "What are you doing here? You don't belong here."  So I chose to remove myself and have committed to resume my training in a solo fashion trusting, nay knowing that God will honor and bless my obedience.  Herein does lie the great challenge; to be competent, and proficient without being exposed to or dragged down by the often deadly ends to which this path (like many in this world) can lead.

After I had made the decision to remove myself from said training program, I continued to ponder and pray on the matter.  The Holy Spirit spoke softly, yet clearly to me; "Can one take that which is unclean and make it clean?".  I love it when He asks me questions because it fires up my passion for digging into His word and excavating the answers, His Truth.  Somehow I think He knows that will be the outcome, don't you?  (smile)

I discovered the following:

• The topic of sanctification is spoken of 142 times in scripture.  
• We are called to a continual state of sanctification in Christ through the work of the Holy Spirit, but what about things?  Can they be sanctified?
• Sanctify (verb) set apart as or declare holy; consecrate for God, His purposes, and His glory.  
• When studying the Doctrine of Sanctification I came across the Greek (Hagiasmos) translation; consecration; a separation unto God from a profane, secular, and carnal use to a sacred, religious, and spiritual use.  
• In scripture, God is spoken of as sanctifying persons, material things, and immaterial things.  

Man has as much to do with the sanctification process as God because we must exercise our God-given free will and decide to choose to sanctify ourselves, our marriages, families, careers, hobbies, etc. to God.  Man and God are in a "sanctification partnership" if you will.  
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All of this leads me to the following conclusion; a dance pole and the activity of pole dancing can be sanctified only if we choose to separate it unto God for the sacred purpose of infilling our marriages with love.  We must submit ourselves and the activity to the moral laws of God.  We must continually ask ourselves, and more importantly, ask our Father in heaven; "Does this line up with the scriptural and moral principles that I am called to fulfill?" "Is this blessing (making better/ stronger) me, my husband, and my marriage?"  If ever the answer to these questions are "no," we must lay it down.
Bottom line: In it's most sensual, feminine bodily expression (naked and various states thereof) pole dancing must be kept within the sacred, sanctified bond of marriage.  It is, after all, intended to be loving foreplay.  To quote my dear faithful and true sister-in-Christ, "That is for the marriage bedroom only."

PS: As always, my choice to be separate and obey my personal convictions is in no way an exacting of personal judgment/s upon any person/s.   I choose to love all and extend grace to all.  
"And this righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no distinction, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by His grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus.…" (Romans 3:22-24)  
But for the grace of God, there go I.

Copyright ©2017 by Ronilynn Brissey-Ramos

Is romance dead? 
Some would say that it is completely dead and buried.  Our tech-obsessed, sex-crazed, distracted, stressed out and self-absorbed culture might be to blame.  Or is it?  A very wise man once said, “Your past may explain you, but it does not excuse you.”  In this case, I say, “Your culture may explain you, but it does not excuse you.”

Before we can truly ponder the question and answer to this dilemma, we must first understand what romance is.  We must open ourselves up to the idea that we have strayed from the essential romantic path that leads to a life of true, honorable, and lasting love.

Merriam-Webster defines romance as a medieval tale based on legend, chivalric love, and adventure, or the supernatural; a prose narrative treating imaginary characters involved in events remote in time or place and usually heroic, adventurous, or mysterious; a love story especially in the form of a novel and something (as an extravagant story or account) that lacks basis in fact.  Lastly, it defines it as an emotional attraction or aura belonging to an especially heroic era, adventure, or activity.  

When we ask our friends, “What is romance?”  We tend to get a totally different variety of ideas.  Most people think of what I consider acts or expressions of love versus a literary or historical ideal.  Things like sending roses, writing a lover’s poem or song, surprising gifts, extravagant or well-planned experiences, etc. often top the list of answers given.  What if we consider the notion that true and lasting romance (the kind that real life love stories are made of) is a combination of both Merriam-Webster’s definition and our collective ideas of love?  

Many of us long for romance now more than ever.  The disconnected way in which we do life and the prevalence of casual sex without emotional connection have left us increasingly lonely and longing.  There are more people turning to alternative solutions (like pornography, romance novels, manufactured vaginas and dildos, and high-tech virtual aka “video game” sex) for their “love fix” than any other time in history.  Much of this may be due to an ease of accessibility, but what if we are actually sabotaging ourselves by forfeiting the basics?  By forfeiting things like human connection, respect, virtue, honesty, chastity, and the like.  

How do we begin to combat this epidemic and return to REAL romance?  First, let’s dive deeper into the definition.  Chivalry has long been viewed as an essential component of romance, but I believe that we have lost an understanding and appreciation for it all together (to the point that young men don’t know how to treat a lady and young ladies don’t know how they should be treated).  Chivalry was a high example for us all that fell onto the ash heap of history somewhere along the way.  Courteous behavior, especially that of a man towards a woman was once the norm.  Many men were truly chivalrous in their relations with women.  They were models of gentlemanliness, gallantry, courtesy, politeness, graciousness, and restraint.  To be otherwise in dealing with a lady, one would be shunned and labeled a classless brut.  However, men are increasingly seeing women primarily as sexual objects and treating them with little to no respect whatsoever.  

Ladies, the weight of responsibility in all of this does not rest on men alone.  We too have changed our modus operandi over the course of time.  We have lost our appreciation for femininity, mystery, and (dare I say) inherent nobility which lends itself to self-respect.  Along the way we were told that we must be like a man to gain respect, but what if we were being fed a lie?  What if “respect” was peddled to us as a guise for rebellion and dominance?  What if that female dominance was the very thing that robbed us of chivalry?  And what if the lack of chivalry robbed us of romance?  And what if the absence of romance robbed us of our true tales of life-long love?  

I’m reminded of the classic and great song chorus by The Fixx, “One Thing Leads to Another.”  May we reconsider what our choices are leading us to.  May we revisit the qualities that created countless life-long love stories that fill the pages of history.  Stories that are not mere literary imaginations of fantasy and legend. They are real and not just a thing of the past. They exist today, and we hold the power of choice to make them our reality for the future if we choose to put down our hand-held devices (phones, tablets, and even sex toys) to reconnect with the humanity around us.  Take time to honor and respect, know and become known.  Be trustworthy so that your life-long love can give themselves to you with reckless abandon, nothing held back in safe keeping because you are worthy of their all, their most precious self, their true essence and their love…for a lifetime.  

So, “Is romance dead?”  I say, "Not if you CHOOSE to keep it alive and FIGHT for it."  
Copyright ©2016 by Ronilynn Brissey-Ramos